Not The F1 News: Curse Of KERS

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Saturday 15th November 2008

A selection of the very best F1 non-stories not making the news right now.

The KERS of Ferrari
Luca Montezemolo has revealed that the Ferrari team are deeply concerned about the introduction of the new KERS (Kinetic Energy Recovery System) for 2009. Though the Scuderia believe they can get the technology right, they are worried that the electronic system is likely to have more personality than Kimi Raikkonen.

Snuff(ed) TV
In a separate story, Ferrari boss Montezemolo has admitted to kicking in his television at the dramatic conclusion of the Brazilian GP. He was all right while the cars were still touring Interlagos on the slowing down lap...but then Ron Dennis came on screen.
Italian insurance companies have reported that over 6,300 televisions mysteriously fell off their stands over that same GP weekend.

Eddie Who...?
Eddie Irvine has advised Lewis Hamilton to ignore the racist fans permeating the sport of F1. "They can do what they want on the internet, as long as they physically don't hurt anyone. I'm a big believer in 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me'" said the talentless, workshy, gobshite arse whose only claim to F1 fame was causing the accident that broke Michael Schumacher's leg.

Steady There, Grandad
Bernie Ecclestone has been making light of his unfortunate 'senior moment' following a row over coments he made on BBC radio. The F1 supremo described a racist Spanish website that targeted Lewis Hamilton as simply a "bit of a joke". It's now been revealed that in the same interview he went on to describe Osama Bin Laden as "a practical joker who didn't know when to stop" and Pol Pot as "a real character; we don't see many of those in the pitlane any more." A spokesman for one anti-racist campaign commented, "I don't know about looking after the future of Formula One, but I wouldn't even trust him with a packet of Werther's Originals."

Not After Sunrise...
It seems that after some great TV advert acting performances by Michael Schumacher, F1 drivers are in great demand. Nico Rosberg has revealed that he has a glamorous guest role lined up in the new Metallica video scheduled for filming in the New Year. At the same time, Fernando Alonso has been given a cameo role as a gritty gunfighter in a Spanish remake of one of the Spaghetti westerns. Meanwhile the Producers of 'Vlad Dracul - The Nightmare Returns' are still trying to get in touch with Robert Kubica...

Nelsinho The Fightback Starts Here
A spokesman for the Renault team has denied that they are re-hiring Nelson Piquet Junior for 2009 as a blatant sop to No.1 driver Fernando Alonso, because after outqualifying him 18-0 over a season Alonso knows he is no threat. Apparently Nelson came out fastest in a secret, behind-closed-doors shoot-out test at Silverstone in November between three potential drivers. Neither Dannii Minogue or the Duracell Bunny could get anywhere near Nelsinho's lap time.

Your Comments

iminhull

"Ha-ha, Cyrano, Hahaaaaa"

Cyrano

"People who put "Ha-ha" and "Hahaaaaa" are tragically immature. Go make comments on Dodgem carnival rides or something. It's interesting too that the fools who do the "ha ha" thing are most often Ferrari-haters... testament to the fact that they're very new to F1 and don't realize the most distinguished history of the marque. Hamilton has dragged many jerks into the comment columns... to the detriment of the sport."

NickUSA

"Ferrari boss admitted to kicking in his TV set after losing the driver's championship in Brazil? Well, that certainly shows good anger management, doesn't it? I wonder what he would have done if Ferrari had also lost the team championship as well? KERS should be an equalizer next season, as well as all the other mods, mostly aero. Getting rid of the bad air to allow slingshot passing is a good thing, but we'll see how that fares. As for who will be on top at the end of 2009, it will be whoever has the most solid package. Duhh... nothing will change in that, except other teams may now be on the top tier, competing like crazy with McLaren, Ferrari, BMW and Red Bull. Competition will be seen to be improving in the engineering, pit stops and management areas, much less on the track. Now, about the Bernie & Max show... who will retire first & when?"

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