Talking The Talk, Translating The Talk

Sunday 30th March 2008

While some PF1ers are talking qualifying, Bernie and Lewis, others are trying to figure out what's really being said...

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Formula One Dictionary
I've been following F1 since the mid 70s- and I've grown used to all the double-speak, negotiation by press release, and animosity between drivers and teams. In this, and also in the context of Ron Dennis' complicated attempt to make a simple "we're trying to make a complicated job simple" statement, but taking three paragraphs to say that, I've taken the liberty to expand the F1 dictionary further.

In no particular order, here are 20 examples to get you on the right track.

Headline specific:
1. We don't agree that both of our drivers were guilty of driving around on line very slowly and impeding other competitors, but we'll cop it.
OK. You got us on that one. At least we didn't park them on line but if we'd done that you'd accuse us of copying Ferrari tactics from years ago and disqualify us from the season.

2. Vodafone McLaren Mercedes expect a much more stable year in season 08.
We now do all our printing in house, and drivers are contractually prohibited from using email without a grown up present.

3. Honda expects this year to be better than last year.
Even dead cats bounce.

4. Sebastian Vettel insists Dietrich Mateschitz's plan to sell the Toro Rosso team won't affect him.
Because he's already signed for Ferrari for next year.

Racing Incidents:
5. I turned in and he hit me in the sidepod.
I was already sideways.

6. He turned across me and I had nowhere to go.
I'd already bumped him sideways.

7. We were alongside each other.
I knew he was there but I did it anyway.

8. He braked late.
I squeezed him onto the marbles on the inside so he overran the braking point.

9. He hit me from behind.
I was in the slower car or someone else squeezed him onto the marbles so he overran his braking point

10. He ran over my nose.
You get confused sometimes when you prepare for a GP on a PSP and forget that in the real world, things break when you get silly.

11. I had the line.
Well, nearly. Maybe. Even almost. Sort of.

12. For sure, I am disappointed to qualify 11th.
Because we weren't going to qualify any better than 10th anyway, maybe 9th if someone had a problem, and now we can now pick a fuel strategy, and we've saved all that extra wear and tear on the car, and you're talking to me so the sponsors are happy.

13. What was he thinking? This race is 300km long! You don't win it in the first corner! He could have killed up all! I'm going over to kick 3 shades of body waste out of him!
Damn, we've got to get used to overtaking on the track again. He got me a good one, didn't he.

The Man With Two Teams:
14. I had a hydraulic leak.
Red Bull, right?

15. There's nothing wrong with the Red Bull suspension.
I've just had both Coulthard AND Webber screeching in my ear running on the whinge-limiter for the last three hours, and let me tell you- hysterical Scottish and Australian accents aren't pretty. And now you want to exclude us? Haven't I suffered enough?

16. Toro Rosso is for sale.
But Vettel isn't. However, Webber and/or Coulthard might be if they don't retire.

Contract negotiations:
17. We are happy with (driver x) We can confidently say that his position for next year is safe.
We are very happy, because that position... Isn't with this team.

18. We are looking forwards to the future.
Much in the same way a divorcing couple does. Unless it's McCartney v Mills, but let's not go there. That's a sport in itself.

19 (a). Our contract negotiations are continuing (driver).
Why is it since I put in my salary proposal I'm not getting testing miles any more...?

19 (b). Our contract negotiations are continuing (team).
When the driver made his offer, we immediately tripled it. "You're joking!" he said. "Yes we are," we replied. "But you started it."

And Finally:
20. It was 100% totally my fault.
Yes, I am new around here. How can you tell?
David McAuliffe

Talking Qualifying
This may sound really stupid, but why rather than tweak, don't they just scrap the whole way they do qualifying. I want to see the old way, super light cars running hardly any fuel, pushing everything.

If you really want a qualifying shake up, go back to the old two 1 hour sessions, but make them have put a lap down in each 20 minute block. That way all the cars are out on the track for at least 9 laps each. When you are in the crowd you don't get as bored, because at least there is always action.

The whole 1 engine thing still gets me as well. If you qualify down the back of the grid, and you change an engine, do you still only get penalised 10 grid spots that don't exist?

Let say Ferrari or McLaren don't get through Q1, they almost have a free engine change then which goes against the whole concept of saving money.

So, why not scrap that all together, or make it a 5 second penalty for every grid spot you can't go back. So if you are last on the grid and change an engine, then it's a 50second penalty. But it's a stupid rule anyway, that makes no sense whatsoever and should be taken away.

Save money in other places. It's Formula One after all, it's supposed to be the pinnacle, now it's a joke.
Andrew Daley

...I have never liked watching fuel filled F1 cars qualifying and trying to second guess who is quick and who is light on fuel. Now the latest tweak to the rules has brought with it the inevitable situation of cars trying to save fuel whilst others are still on flying laps which is just ridiculous in a sport which is supposed to be improving safety. The elimination system is great for ensuring we (and the sponsors) get cars on the track in each section of qualifying, but Q3 is just confusing and boring.

The answer to this is simple. Nominate your starting fuel by close of play on Friday, then sit back and watch an out and out low fuel battle for pole position in Q3 on Saturday. Qualifying will then once again allow us to really see how team mates compare for speed and who really is the fastest of them all over a single lap!
Peter, Essex, England

...Do qualifying with any fuel load, that would stop all this "economy" nonsense and find the true fastest cars. After all Q1 and Q2 are fuel load free!
Michael Fergusson

...Well I wouldn't call the qualifying sessions boring. In my opinion its pretty exciting and usually everyone gets a chance to put in a clean hot lap.

That said it was incredible to see everyone basically cruise back to the pits while some drivers were on hot laps (Heidfeld, Alonso) not only can that be dangerous to flyers but it is reckless and uncalled for.

Ferrari should of been given the same penalties as McLaren as well, will be interesting to see how things shape up next weekend.
E.K

Bernie's Talking Lewis & Trash
Bernie seriously needs to retire now. Hamilton did not save F1. It was the thrilling competition between Kimi, Alonso and Hamilton that had the fans perched on the end of their seat until the last flag dropped in Brazil.

And I must say, the best man did win.
Sheena, Cape Town, South Africa

...I have to disagree with Bernie, I think Schumacher leaving formula one is what saved it not Hamilton. Formula One was becoming boring because Schumacher was always leading and or given so much priority by Ferrari and FIA that it was useless to watch. With his departure, it was interesting to see who would be in front and who would be leading. Ferrari letting their drivers race made it interesting.
Carl, Canada

...What is Bernie smoking, and can we get some of it? "Hamilton doesn't make mistakes" - well he did so big time when he binned it in the sand trap (twice) - once in the pit lane entrance and once in the final race of the season that ultimately cost him the championship.

One wonders if we would be having all this carry on if it wasn't for the fact that he is a British driver. After all, we were subject to all this drivel several years ago about Jensen Button and where did that get us? Like your cricket team, how about getting a few runs on the board before making comparisons to the great Michael Schumacher.

We are all a little worn out with all the so-called talk of greatness for a man who let a championship slip through his fingers like an English slips fielder.
Mark Peart

...I simply love it when Bernie glorifies his Golden boy Hamilton... and I do mean "golden" literally, because he probably made millions more thanks to him last year.

We all know he's probably senile already, and doesn't really remember how Michael drove at all. That's almost as bad as Hamilton compares himself to Senna.

Michael and Senna accomplished huge things in F1. Hamilton did nothing, except help his team get disqualified from the WCC.

And about the rivalry about Hamilton and Räikkonen, I seriously doubt Kimi has any time in between his drinking to even think about Lewis, and if he even does, I doubt he cares.
Tomislav Cinac

...P-L-E-A-S-E!!! How can uncle Bernie compare spoiled brat Lewis to SEVEN TIME WORLD CHAMPION Michael!!!

It's unconceivable to compare the two of them, firstly because Hamilton is still in some ways a newcomer, he only has one year of F1 experience, and secondly, HE HASN'T WON A CHAMPIONSHIP YET, let alone seven.

And no, he does not have the driving style or skills Schumi has. (And even if the way he drives remotely resembled Schumi's, there is only ONE Schumacher. Kimi is super talented (and world champion), but in his very own way).

The man was in the industry for 15 years, and he built an entire team from scratch around him, so that they would work together to win.

I cannot understand how people even dare to make this comparison, it's not possible, I would like to see if little Lewis has what it takes to stay in F1 for 15 years, being the spoiled, pampered brat that he is!

FORZA FERRARI!!!
Soledad, Montevideo-Uruguay

...Just a comment...

Ecclestone's comparison of Hamilton to the great Michael Schumacher is absolutely...ludicrous.

That's right - ludicrous.

Someone again must note that Hamilton was in all this while groomed in a very good team, and never had to slog his way through the ranks like Schumacher did. All F1 fans would definitely remember Schumacher's outstanding qualification of 7th spot in his very first race in a mediocre car to say the very least.

And 'Hamilton not making mistakes'? Yawnz.

Someone better ask what happen to Hamilton at last year's Brazilian Grand Prix...whether it was his driving error that led to him choking at the championship is up for debate - but I will not rule out driving error. Furthermore, Hamilton's driving skills are nothing compared to 'Schumi' - the latter is always able to make the best out of the worst things that can possibly happen - how many times have we all seen him being able to drive his way up from the back of the grid all the way to 6th, 5ht or 4th? Countless.

Hamilton - after demoted to Row 5 in Malaysia, unable to drive his way up to a podium despite what can be seen to be a weak Row 4 - says everything about him doesn't it? And what about Kubica, Kovaleinen, Vettel, Rosberg and Piquet Junior? I would dare say that they are all as good as him, if not better.

Hamilton is a welcome sight - yes, but comparable to Schumi? Yawnz.
Alvin Teo

...Why is Bernie trying to push us the idea that we need another "Schumacher" to make F1 Interesting?

Precisely what F1 doesn't need is another driver whose dominance is backed up by biased favoritism of F1 institutions.

Hamilton is more than welcome to F1, however, all this favoritism coming from Bernie, ITV etc. is already getting inside McLaren's head and we might be ending with the same situation we endured with Schumacher for many years:

I driver winning multiple championships without the pressure of a team-mate to race him.

The fights on and off track sure brought action to F1 last year, but most probably the fight between Raikkonen and Alonso alone would've been as entertaining.

What F1 really needs is more racing inside the track though, not just in the points standings. Banning Traction Control is a great start, can't wait for aero regulations to kick in next year!!!
Camilo E, Colombia

McLaren, Hamilton et al
I wonder if one day that you'll say that you care?
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly be there,
Like a puppet on a striiiiiiiiiiiing. (Sandy Shaw...who remembers her?)

Can't help singing that one every time I see young Hamilton being interviewed on the box, clearly having been very well briefed by Ron as to what or not to say, depending on the outcome of any given race.

One has to smile. I, like many (and unlike McLaren or young Lewis) seem to remember Ferrari not so long since spending a lot of time in Bahrain along with only Toyota to keep them company. I wonder if there was some kind of strategy to this......hmmmm.

Yes Lewis I'm sure your team will bounce back as Ferrari did after Australia. I feel however that Kimi and his crew may just still have the edge and yeah best just keep an eye on that BMW outfit, looking good now and threatening, so no room for complacency young Sir.

Good to hear that you are confident though, I would err on the side of caution though and check out your lap times against Kimi's might just concentrate the mind a little and take the edge off this misplaced over confidence, didn't '07 teach you anything?
G.S.

Letter Of The Year Award?
I think you should have a Letter of the Year Award. If you don't already have one, that is. I'm going to assume you already have one, or think it's a fabulous idea, and go right ahead and nominate the first letter for the award.

I think Bryan from Dunblane Scotland deserves a bloody good bottle of champagne along with a healthy spread of sea food that no doubt Mosley has grown bored of, living in Monaco. Maybe race tickets and accommodation and travel. I dunno, It's your money. Anyway here is the letter I think should win. It's the last paragraph that, well, not only does it for me but, should at least be sent to Mosley anonymously...

..."FIA Favours Ferrari
As usual the losers in the grand prix were the fans, with the McLaren penalty the race was over before it began and Ferrari steamed off into the distance because the rest could not compete, Martin Whitmarsh should know better by now.

The FIA again being heavy handed and spoiling the event for everyone including sponsors, when are they going to realise this is "racing" instead of just an expensive parade, get rid of that tosser Mosley and replace him with someone who knows about racing (Mr Todt) not some dammed lawyer.
Bryan, Dunblane, Scotland"

(There is one part I do take issue with above, and that is the suggestion that a former team leader, would be capable of impartiality, especially Todt. He's just as big a tosser as Mosley )

That's all.
Ray

As For PF1's Mailbox In General
I have given up on reading through your mailboxes after a year of doing so and coming out the other end feeling like I've just watched some Jerry Springer (that's a very 90s reference, I know).

There are so many hot tempered, bile-filled emails from people that I really wonder if the average F1 fan is capable of enjoying life. People hate Hamilton, hate Alonso, hate people who like Hamilton or Alonso, hate the FIA, hate Bernie, hate teams, hate nations, hate national bias, hate TV coverage, hate PF1. I'm not saying that all of it is without justification, but I simply can't enjoy reading a page with so many exclamation marks, so much USE OF CAPS LOCK, and so many venomous contributors.

Of course letters like that add some spice to a mailbox and will often provoke responses, so they are not without their uses. I know, however, that there are people out there with cool heads who can compose rational emails and not resort to using sweeping generalisations or assumptions to make their points. So I am asking you to please tilt the balance of your mailbox towards the inclusion of more of these kinds of letters.

But then again, maybe I am wrong to show such faith in people and the mailbox you put out is in fact completely representative of the kind of correspondence you receive. If that is the case, then please accept my apologies, and my condolences to your mailbox composer who deserves a nice holiday someplace warm and happy.
Toby, York

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